Self Esteem Secrets For Women

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Secret To Becoming a Real Dad- How Would You Rate Yours?


Why read YET ANOTHER well researched study, grinding out the insignificant details of who, what, when, where and why we have yet another social problem?

All problems in our society really only come from ONE problem. The trouble in our past, present and future can be explained in one simple sentence….

Failed fathers create challenging and troubled children!

Oh! You don’t believe it? You think it’s much more complicated than that? Allow me to prove that it’s not complicated at all.

Let me take you on a brief history tour of ‘failing fathers’ so you can see what kind of children they’ve produced.

Let’s start with Saddam Hussein…

When Saddam Hussein’s father Hussein al-Majid fled the family, it was up to Saddam’s mother Subha to raise him. When she could not, little Saddam was given over to his uncle Khairallah Tulfah, an army officer and fervent Arab nationalist.

A deep bond between Saddam and his uncle Khairallah developed. Khairalla was an argumentative and bad tempered individual but he inspired great respect and hero worship in young Saddam.

When Saddam was still a boy, Khairalla was expelled from the army and sent to prison for five years because of his public sympathy for Adolf Hitler and the Nazi belief system.

Saddam missed him greatly. With Khairalla away at prison, young Saddam was sent back to his mother who had now remarried a poor and reportedly lazy peasant named Hassan al-Ibrahim.

By the time Saddam rejoined the family, he found several new half brothers and sisters waiting for him. Saddam’s step father found him to be an inconvenience.

“Saddam was badly neglected except when Hassan would take delight in beating him with any blunt device that was handy.” (1)

And what kind of adult did Saddam grow up to be? I don’t think I even need to answer that.

Let’s move on to Adolph Hitler…

“Adolph Hitler’s father Alois was more than strict. His oldest son Alois Jr ran away from home because he could not endure the violent beatings at his father’s hands, so Alois Hitler turned his attentions on Adolph, giving him sound thrashings every day.” (2)

What about Joseph Stalin?

Joseph Stalin’s mother was described as strict, but what created the power of a dictator was his father Vissarion. Frequently drunk, Vissarion inflicted brutal blows on young Joseph.

“He lived years watching his father drink up his small wages as his mother slaved over a sewing machine in factory labor. Vissarion’s years of cruel treatment developed a vindictive attitude in Joseph Stalin that gave birth to a seething revenge against anyone in authority.” (3)

And Karl Marx?

Karl Marx, the creator of communism, was born to Jewish parents and watched as his father Heinrich denied his Jewish heritage and converted to Christianity solely as a business decision.

“Even as Heinrich Marx denied the tenets of his heritage, he embraced humanist beliefs that men were by nature good and all equally rational, and the cause of human misery was simply ignorance.” (4)

No matter where you look, when you find suffering, loss, pain and sorrow, it is created by a leader who was raised by a failing father (or lack thereof).

Not convinced with world dictators? Let’s move closer to home.

How many prisons are operating today? According to the Bureau of Justice there are now “1,664 prisons holding 1,214,969 prisoners!” (5) And that’s just the men!

These prisons were built by tax paying Americans so we can enjoy the benefits of our law abiding way of life. To protect this, we take over a million men and lock them away from the rest of us because of the danger that they represent.

And how many of those 1,214,969 men come from troubled fathers?

About 85% of them (6).

Prisons exist because of troubled fathers. Whether it’s minimum, medium or maximum security prisons, troubled fathers put those men there. Their fathers put them in a condition and in a position where they are dangerous to the rest of us.

Do you need to know about the father of Al Capone, John Dillinger, Jeffrey Dahmer or any other man on the very long list of cruel and morally disfigured men? I didn’t think so. The stories are basically the same…failing fathers.

I said it before and I will say it again, there is no problem in our lives except a father problem!

BUT…if there are failing fathers, then there are also FAITHFUL fathers….

You may not know much about history’s great fathers so I’ll fill you in…

The story you always heard about honest George Washington and the cherry tree incident cannot be confirmed through George Washington’s family history, but what you didn’t know is that our nation's first president's father was very fond of his children according to George Washington’s memory of him.

His father, Augustine Washington, instilled a work ethic and integrity into little George as he built farms and a mining business.

Mary Washington, George's mother, cared deeply for her children, writing to George “I am, my dear George, your loving and affectionate mother.” He in turn referred to her as “my revered Mother, by whose maternal hand I was led from childhood.”

“Even though Augustine Washington did not live to see George’s twelfth birthday, he fully imprinted his values on George in his most formative years. It was George’s mother Mary who continued to reinforce his father’s lofty values, the values that would create one of the greatest American presidents.” (7)

What about Abraham Lincoln?

You know about his unwillingness to quit despite multiple defeats, but you didn’t know that his work ethic came from his father Tom Lincoln, the cutting edge farmer who turned wild acres into farm land.

Tom showed his pride in his son’s education, even though he could not teach Abe knowledge from books. He did instill the determination to never quit under any circumstances as he encouraged Abe to pursue the talents of his bright mind.

“Abe’s father knew he was destined for greater things. When young Abe’s parents Tom and Nancy moved the family to Indiana wild country to begin a new farm, they read Abe Bible tales and taught him the Calvinist Christian view of the world.” (8)

Martin Luther King Jr….

Martin Luther King Jr. made history as the leader of America's desegregation, but what you didn’t know is that Martin’s father, Martin Luther King Sr. was described by Martin Jr. this way: “My strong determination for justice comes from the very strong and dynamic personality of my father.”

Martin Jr. had one particular childhood memory etched into his mind. His father took him to Atlanta’s segregated downtown to buy shoes. When the clerk insisted that father and son move to the back of the store to be waited on, Martin Jr. watched his father speak firmly to the clerk saying “We’ll either buy shoes sitting here, or we won’t buy shoes at all.”

“Martin Sr. took young Martin’s hand and confidently walked out of the store.” (9)

Even if you’re not interested in football, you know Vince Lombardi. You can’t read a book on success where Lombardi is not quoted. You know about Vince Lombardi, but you don’t know about Harry, the father who made the man. Harry Lombardi showed a gruff exterior and talked tough about pain saying “No one’s ever hurt. Hurt is in your mind.”

Harry sometimes lectured Vince on his triangle of success: sense of duty, respect for authority and strong mental discipline.

“Harry Lombardi regaled his children with philosophies about freedom and responsibility. Vince’s father expected him to worship every day when he was growing up so it had become as much a matter of discipline and routine as devotion.” (10)

So there you have it…Saddam Hussein, Joseph Stalin, Karl Marx, Adolph Hitler…children of failing fathers.

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., Vince Lombardi…children of FAITHFUL fathers.

Any questions?

Do you have marriage trouble, employee trouble or boss trouble? Do you have an endless stream of life’s troubles that won’t leave you feeling safe or secure? It’s simply, completely and forever a father problem.

It’s a simple fact of life…the more ANGER or FEAR you had in the first 10 years of your childhood, the more trouble you ARE or HAVE today.

Did you end up with a failing father? Want to know how you can be certain?

You can be sure by giving your father the Real Dad Score using the Real Dad definition.

What is the Real Dad definition? It’s the definition that sets the standard for what a true father must be in order to turn out positive, productive, contributing adults which create successful future generations.

Here’s the definition of a Real Dad…

A Real Dad is consistently tough but fair. He takes a genuine interest in the challenges, opportunities and joys of each of his unique children.


That’s it. Imagine what the world would be like if every father could fulfill that single, simple definition. What kind of nation would we have?

Let’s move on to finding your Real Dad score…

Giving your father a Real Dad score is very easy. First, scan your memories of the first ten years of your life. These were the first ten years when your brain neurons were being formed. These are the years that really mattered.

In those ten years, score your father against the definition. On a 100% down to 0% scale, your dad was consistently tough but fair; he took a genuine interest in your challenges, opportunities and joys and he treated you like a unique person.

Now scan your first ten years of memories, some scenes with your father may jump out, but beyond those, you have this feeling, this sense about your father in that childhood time that allows you to emotionally, yet accurately give him a rating against this very simple standard of what a Real Dad is.

If your father scored in the 90%’s, you are a very successful person and everything you touch turns into something good. It doesn’t mean your life is trouble free, but it does mean that you get through troubles and come out on the other side in a better condition than when you went in.

Most of all, you learn from your mistakes and don’t make them a way of life.

If your father scored in the 80’s, you are leading a content life where struggles are few and far between, certainly not a pattern. You’re still successful.

If your father scored in the 70’s you may have some issues, but they are not anything you can’t work around. Some anger, some fear but you can do what you need to deal with it.

A Real Dad score in the 60’s range shows the beginning of life troubles. Failing fathers produce patterns of difficulty in family, friends, self image, health, money, time and peace of mind that are troubling and persistent throughout the lives of their children.

Look around you. You have uncles, grandfathers and dads. Look at their children. You know their children! Know any challenging children in your family tree? Look at their fathers.

You’ve heard the slogan, but now you can see the truth in it: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” That’s the profound truth. The father makes the quality of apple, (son/daughter), and with few exceptions, apples stay where they fall.

Real Dad scores in the 50’s and below are much more intense. As your Real Dad score drops below the 50’s, trouble has been a pattern of your life. This trouble can come out in a multitude of ways, but the worst sides of your father are coming out in you through your career, your marriage, your social life and everything!

Do you have a raging temper when situations become frustrating? Just look to your dad. Do you have the ability to win friends and influence people? Thank your dad.

Real Dad is a phrase that describes the adult male who was present in your first ten years of life. The most successful people have their biological father as the person who fulfills the Real Dad definition, but in life, that is not always possible.

It is so very important for you to know that the life your father gave you is not your fault. You were “programmed” at a time when you did not have all the facts. You were not able to logically sort out your own opinions. You took on your father’s values without even knowing it.

If you have troubles today, it’s NOT your fault, but it IS your responsibility to take control of them.

There are ways for you to change course on those values that bring trouble to yourself and others.

I've written a book that will show you how to bring your troubles to an end by building your self-esteem and controlling your negative feelings.

It is based on everything I've learned over the past 30 years in an effort to make up for what I was 'missing'...because I was NOT raised by a Real Dad.

Should you blame your father with anger and resent that he saddled you with these problems? How could you?

Your father did everything based on what he knew at the time. What else could he do? Become a wonderful father suddenly?

After all, it was your grandfather’s values that your father was living off of. This is the reason generations of successful families produce generations of successful adults as seen in the case of the Rockefeller and the DuPont’s. It’s also the reason there are “crime families”.

So what can you do to become a Real Dad if you’re not gifted by the father you were given?

First you must really and truly want to do it. Do you have a child or children you feel responsible for? Do you feel something deep inside that makes you about what kind of adults they will become?

If you did not have a Real Dad yourself, you must find out whether or not there a desire inside you to change the course of history for your children.

If you have this desire, then you need a single thing to focus on. You must focus on one idea that will act as your faithful compass. This compass is one message that puts everything you need in one place, with one goal: Become a Real Dad.

The following statement is what you must follow in every situation with your children. Without this compass, you’ll drift and forget.

Here is your compass…

I am a Real Dad. I am consistently tough but fair. I take a genuine interest in the challenges, opportunities and joys of each of my unique children.

Repeat this to yourself. Repeat it again. Say it over and over while you’re driving in the car alone.

Say it under your breath when your children are testing you in their most difficult moments.

At the end of this article is the compass set in type that you can hang on the wall or carry it in your wallet. If you are serious about becoming a Real Dad, put one in your bedroom, your living room, your bathroom and your kitchen.

You children will even help you remember. They will quote the Real Dad definition and view you as a faithful father.

During those times when your children challenge you and test your patience, you must resist the urge to give in to your negative feelings. Your children need you to succeed. No matter where they are in those critical ten years, they will be cheering you on to be a Faithful Father…a Real Dad.

Now, some important definitions:

CONSISTENT: This means you are not controlled by your moods. You don’t ignore a discipline problem on Tuesday, and then pounce on your children for the same act on Wednesday.

TOUGH: This means you learn how to discipline your children from people wiser than you. Your toughness is appropriate, but never overboard. You set limits for your kids and those limits are strong, firm and based on positive values. When you are tough, you always remain emotionally in control.

FAIR: You are not a pushover and you are not weak. You are fair. You know how to forgive your children and teach them through every day situations. You teach but also listen to their ideas, giving them the benefit of the doubt when you must.

GENUINE INTEREST: If most fathers were really honest, they would admit their interests are often for themselves and not their children. Showing a genuine interest in your children on a consistent basis requires you to stay focused on a big cause…you are producing America’s future adults and you are doing it now, tomorrow afternoon, at the ice cream stand and the community pool. Let them know they are very important to you.

CHALLENGES: Children must learn through failure. When they fail, you, their father, must give them the opportunity to discover that ALL growth takes place through failures, not successes. Show them how to get up and get through it.

OPPORTUNITIES: Your children’s opportunities are tiny compared to yours, but you must notice when a new event brings them a chance to learn- a vacation invitation with a friends’ family, a new club to join, a lemonade stand. Encourage their opportunities to learn about this world. Be interested and ask questions to get them thinking.

JOYS: When things go right, dad and his kids must celebrate. You must notice and get just as happy as they are. Joy is what happens between a father and his children when failures have done their work and success arrives in small and large doses.

UNIQUE: Each of your children is not the same. Notice all the ways they show their uniqueness. Let them know you notice in a multitude of ways and they will be fiercely loyal to you.
__________________________________________________________

If you want to know more about how your values pass from generation to generation, read the article “Your Invisible Lifestyle: Is it helping or hurting your marriage?” available from the author along with the definitions of A Real Mom, A Real Husband and A Real Wife. Contact the author at larry@winrprofile.com.

References:

(1) Saddam, King Of Terror -Con Coughlin -Thorndike Press

(2) Hitler, The Pictorial Documentary of His Life -John Toland -Doubleday & Company

(3) Stalin As Revolutionary -A study in history and personality- Robert Tucker -W.W. Norton & Company

(4) Karl Mark, His Life and Thought -David McLellan -Harper & Row

(5) Bureau of Justice

(6) Divorcemag.com

(7) All Cloudless Glory, The Life of George Washington, from Youth to Yorktown -Harrison Clark -Regnery Publishing

(8) Abraham Lincoln - Thomas Keneally -Thorndike Press

(9) The Autobiography of Martin Luther King, Jr. -Warner Books

(10) When Pride Still Mattered -A Life of Vince Lombardi -David Maraniss -Thorndike Press


14 Comments:

  • I am not sure I agree totally with blaming fathers for our failures. I think that somewhere along the line we make our own choices as to right and wrong and what kind of a person we want to be. HOWEVER I do believe that parents shape their childrens' concepts of themselves even while they are still in their mother's womb.
    Here's the big question...How so we bring this message...of active positive parenting, to the people who so need to hear the message and stop the negative cycles within their own households?

    By Blogger Jill, At 3:55 PM  

  • Hi Jill,

    Sorry for the delayed response, I didn't realize you posted a response until now! Woops!

    I truly appreciate you sharing your opinion on my blog, I'd like to build a sort of "community" where we can come to discuss different issues and share our opinions.

    The second article I wrote on REAL DADs hopefully clarified my point in the article a little better than the first did, so I would encourage you to read that if you haven't already.

    I did not want to emphasize placing blame on fathers, I meant to create awareness so fathers understand how important a role they play in their children's lives.

    The key to breaking negative cycles is becoming aware of the key role that fathers play in their children's lives. Fathers need to work towards becoming what I defined in the definition of a REAL DAD.

    Thanks again for sharing your opinion Jill. :-)

    All the best,

    Larry Bilotta

    By Blogger Larry Bilotta, At 6:13 PM  

  • I am the mother of a seventeen year old young man. I divorced his father when he was four years old. We shared joint custody of him. I left this man because he could say the meanest, hurtful words in anger. I was raised by one of the good dad's. He was loving, supportive, and firm. I had never been yelled at in my life. I guess the failing here is I didn't realize people could be so cruel. I have raised my son the way I was raised. His father has belitted him, screamed and hit (only once and then I was able to secure full custody.) My son went through a terrible defiant period with a co-existing depression. Luckily he agreed to go to counseling with me and his life has changed since. In the case of our children, evil appears to prevail over good. My son is determined to break the cycle and be a "Real Dad" when he has children.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 1:03 AM  

  • Anonymous,

    I am always encouraged when I hear about any young person determined to break the cycle. That takes a great person to accomplish it.

    Thank you so much for your comments!

    Larry

    By Blogger Larry Bilotta, At 10:22 AM  

  • I'm so glad I came accross this article.

    I'm a mother of two children, an 8 yr. old girl and a 13yr old boy.

    My husband treats the kids like they are his friends. Don't get me wrong, what I mean is that there are times he needs to be firm with them. Instead, he will make them laugh. I try to scold my kids when there is a need to. My husband will hear me, intead of re-affirming what I just said, he will question me in front of the kids, "you are just mad or you had a bad day" you are just blowing off steam with us..

    There are time that I feel I have no control over them with my husband present. I have told my husband in privacy, that we need to be in the same page when it comes to the kids.

    I recently created chores for the kids to do while at home for the summer. My husband made a joke of the chart, the kids laughed...

    If feel as though he is trying to compete or be the best fun father..

    In my opinion this will be hurtful for my son. I grew in a household where my mother was the one who scolded us not my father.

    I feel I am re-living my mother's life..

    Help!!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 11:50 AM  

  • Hello Anon,
    You are so not alone in this plight with your husband. I have so many other mothers shocked and surprised by their husbands who act this way without realizing what they are creating. I wish I could explain the details of what really motivates these dads to stop being a parent, a man and a father and start being your children's buddy who is lightly and laughingly turning your children against you to side with him. Maybe it would help you if you understood what he was doing and why. All the fathers I know who manage their own Mommy's No Fun Club, all share a set of secret motivations in common.

    1-They secretly hold resentment toward their wives but will not openly admit it.
    2-They feel a need to ignore responsibility and discipline as unnecessary to happiness.
    3-The more their wives push, guilt, preach, beg and nag them to responsibility and discipline, the wilder and more often the Mommy's No Fun Club meets.
    4-These men share childhood's where they were not accepted as good by their dads.
    5-These men marry strong women who were raised by discipline mothers.

    Your message to me explains the problem but the bold phrases of your description.
    1-husband treats the kids like they are his friends
    2-he will question me in front of the kids
    3-you are just mad or you had a bad day" you are just blowing off steam with us
    4-I feel I have no control over them with my husband present
    5-I have told my husband in privacy, that we need to be in the same page when it comes to the kids
    6-he is trying to compete or be the best fun father
    7-this will be hurtful for my son
    8-my mother was the one who scolded us not my father
    9-My husband made a joke of the chart, the kids laughed

    Look at the key phrases Anon. Your wording draws a clear picture of a woman who needs to repeat what her mother programmed her to do. Create discipline. You are doing this because there is nothing else you are programmed to do. What you did not count on was a man who secretly is turned against you. Because he is against you, he must find supporters so he can out number you. His mission, though he does not know it, is to win and for you to lose. You are right about the damage this is doing to the children but you will not find a solution coming from your husband. The solution must lie with you.

    THE SOLUTION: Stop your old strategy! It does NOT work. If it could have, it would have by now. Look at the new strategy and understand it. You husband gets worse when you press the children with statements. Statements are the enemy of your cause..."Pick up your socks!" "Why do I always have to tell you to brush your teeth. Get back in there and do what I told you!" This is TELLING. Telling is bad. It ignites the dark side of human nature, that ugly little voice inside the heads of your husband and you kids.

    Instead, you must now stop TELLING and start asking QUESTIONS. QUESTIONS are a powerful skill. QUESTIONS give children, (including your husband), the ability to think. It shuts off their dark side so they can process and own the solution. QUESTIONS enable the good person to do what they know is right. QUESTIONS cause your stress to lower and your blood pressure to calm down.

    EXAMPLES: TELLING: "Stop playing on the bed. I told you to play in the family room, now get out of here." QUESTION: "Tell me Autumn, what would be best? To keep the bedroom neat so you didn't have to fix, or to play in the family room where all the toys are?"

    The old way: "Dan, give Autumn her doll and stop teasing her!" The QUESTION way: "Dan, which would be better? Give your sister her doll back now, or loose your allowance for the next two weeks?"

    Notice that questions do not require a raised voice and veins bulging in your neck. They require no pressure, no demands and no frustration. The skill make looks simple but it is not. When you become more practiced and skilled in asking questions instead of telling, other women will be amazed at you and as for your help with their kids.

    Until then, you must understand that Real Questions are built on a premise. You are always asking your child (husband) to make a choice between something and something else. There is what I call a Real Question. There is also what I call a Fake Question. Fake Question Example: "Who do you think you are?" and "Alright, who ate the last slice of cake?" Fake Questions are fake because they box the person in a corner and make them attack you because the question was Fake. It was not really who you are at your best.

    Real Questions on the other hand, are who you really are. You are calm, you are intelligent, you are rational, you are calm, you are confident. This is who you really are. To protect your kids, you want them to have the Real You, so ask Real Questions from now. Oh, and by the way don't forget to, practice, practice, practice!

    By Blogger Larry Bilotta, At 5:33 PM  

  • Hi Larry, thank you for writing such a detailed and interesting post. You have had me captured. I scored my father as a 57%. He did some pretty crappy things in my lifetime and I never knew his father as he died when my dad was young but my grandmother says they were very similar. My Dad always praised me and my appearance however it was to a point where I grew uncomfortable. I am writing my past down on a blog of my own and if you get a chance, I'd really appreciate you checking it out...? http://happy-go-lucky-mylife.blogspot.com/

    Enjoy your day

    By Blogger Happy-go-Lucky, At 6:04 AM  

  • What an interesting blog.

    I agree with the questions. Give them choices to make. Something or something. Too many, maybe most of us are raised knowing how to make proper choices.

    As for the Lady with the husband/kid issue, I agree she is her mother in reincarnate. I think the suggestion is good as far it goes to overcome this problem.

    I fought in a similar with my wife setting me up to be the bad guy with my kids so she could be the buddy and countermanding me behind my back.

    I worked being tougher to overcome and I lost every time.

    I would suggest she not try to take the place of the father, but let him be the father, whatever that maybe. I believe she should submit to him as her husband and night fight what he is doing. I believe he would then come to honor his position as father and husband when his leadership is returned to him.

    Thanks for the great blog and information.

    By Anonymous Justin, At 2:05 PM  

  • im a kid , my parents are divorced and i see my father not that much . i believe that if i work on my self , i can make it . my mother works hard .on work days i dont see her for half the day . i manage to keep my scores high .i had low self-esteem, but i see my self changing everyday .my parents separated when i was at a very young age .im actually thankful that they separated . all those years i had to endure the beatings of my mother . and all those times we had to get out of the house and run away from home .but after a couple of years we build up our lives from scratch .we now live happily and we have a home .during my childhood i was quite soft , and i cried alot . till the day to today . but not so much now .i will carry on changing my self and make myself as successful as possible .

    By Blogger Kishan, At 9:46 AM  

  • im a kid , my parents are divorced and i see my father not that much . i believe that if i work on my self , i can make it . my mother works hard .on work days i dont see her for half the day . i manage to keep my scores high .i had low self-esteem, but i see my self changing everyday .my parents separated when i was at a very young age .im actually thankful that they separated . all those years i had to endure the beatings of my mother . and all those times we had to get out of the house and run away from home .but after a couple of years we build up our lives from scratch .we now live happily and we have a home .during my childhood i was quite soft , and i cried alot . till the day to today . but not so much now .i will carry on changing my self and make myself as successful as possible .

    By Blogger Kishan, At 9:48 AM  

  • This comment, is for Justin, the boy before me...
    Justin, I am a child of multiple divorces, a child of abuse, and I started out "soft" as you say.
    At thirty-five, I have returned to "soft" understanding that it is self-expression and empathy.
    I have a college degree, wrote a book and started a nonprofit for children of divorce, Blended Love.
    Justin, you are on your way to great things because you are reaching out to understand where you have come from and that will make all the difference. All of us have broken hearts, it is what we do with those broken hearts that determines the difference between peace or pain.
    Justin, you are not alone.

    By Blogger Monica, At 1:41 PM  

  • That last post was for Kishan, not Justin.

    By Blogger Monica, At 1:43 PM  

  • Hi, My daughter has been married for 8 years now. She has two boys the oldest is 7 and the youngest is 15 months. Through the entire marriage they have had trouble, both of them arguing in front of the oldest child saying hurtful things to each other in front him, he has seen his "father" be physical with his mother, they have seperated on average 2 times a year for the last 6 years, only to reconcile. Their oldest son struggled in school last year while the teachers reccomendation was for him to remain in first grade he was moved to a new school and was let to go on the second grade. His father owns his own business and since the oldest was born has always worked, and not come home most nights until he was already in bed asleep. My daughter has now learned that for the past 6 yrs. he has been seeing another woman on and off, they are now fixing to divorce. As the grandmother, I have a very strong bond with both children, I have helped take care of the youngest since he was born. Any advice on this situation? My daughter is very hurt, and depressed it has only been a week since he has told her all of this about the other woman!My daughter's biological father and I divorced when she was about 2 maybe a little younger, I remarried when she was 7. My husband adopted both her and my son. Yes we had our problems to start, however; she was raised by a really good step-father that she calls DAD! always has and still does.
    Thanks,
    Rhonda

    By Blogger Rhonda, At 3:43 PM  

  • Hi Rhonda,

    Think of this simply. The more negative energy you are imprinted with in your first 10 years, the harder it will be for you to have a happy marriage in adult life. The more positive the energy you are imprinted with in your first 10 years, the easier it will be for you to have a happy marriage as an adult.

    Your daughter's husband had a troubled childhood. Your story verifies that. Now that his troubled childhood has come for him, your daughter and her children have to suffer the loss of their father/husband. A man does not have affairs unless he saw affairs of some kind, disloyalty and emotional separation in his childhood from his dad or step dad. That's the damage done. Now the question is, how does your daughter go on and become a single mother? In other words, how does she do what you did?

    I would encourage your daughter to take advantage of my free second chance program and I could talk to her if her story is chosen. www.youcansavethismarriage.com

    Click on the second chance in the upper left.

    Thanks for writing to me Rhonda.

    Larry

    By Anonymous Larry, At 8:32 AM  

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